Stoned Eva
by bsmart
Summary: Misato finds a way to help Shinji and Asuka unwind. A short one shot that grew out of a reddit writing prompt.


Stoned Eva

By: bsmart

Disclaimer: Rated R for the good stuff, you've been warned. All comic characters are property of who ever owns them for real. Please note, this is based off the original anime, I am not up on the new stuff.

"You did what?!"

"I made them brownies, you know, like in college."

Ritsuko closed her eyes tightly and shook her head before looking back at Misato. "I know you're irresponsible but are you insane?! You got the children we depend on to save the entire world STONED?"

Misato rolled her eyes and sighed, "A little bit. I didn't even give them the good stuff."

"But you got the underage saviors of the world high. Misato we have no idea how that could affect them!"

"Well did it? I didn't see any change in their sync ratios."

"No but prolonged exposure could still have an effect."

"And if it does you'll catch it since you give them a physical twice a week."

"Look Misato," Ritsuko began as she sat down at her desk and leaned her chair back. "I know back in college we experimented and all but you're not nineteen anymore. You're their guardian, you're supposed to be looking out for their well being."

Misato threw her arms wide, "What do you think I'm doing?"

"By getting them stoned?"

"You don't live with these kids alright, you don't see them every day. Asuka is a little ball of compressed rage and Shinji is one bad day away from starting to cut himself. He just lays in his bed and stares at the ceiling of his room. I'm not even sure there's anything in that SDAT player half the time. I've done everything I can to try and get the two of them to lighten up but nothing works. Hikari seems to keep Asuka from straight up murdering the other kids at their school but when she's not around it's like Kali with PMS."

"But Misato...," Ritsuko began.

Misato ignored her, turning towards the large window that overlooked the EVA launch bay. "Do you know what they did last night? They sat down at the coffee table and played cards. There was no 'idiot' this or 'I'm sorry' that. They just played cards, drank sodas and laughed about their day and their classmates."

"They need normalcy in their life Misato, not chemical alteration."

Misato's face screwed up in rage and she pivoted to look at Ritsuko while jamming her finger at the window and the purple and red behemoths beyond it. "Normal? What the fuck do these kids know about normal? The most normal thing they've done in the last year was get a little stoned, play some cards, and rip on their classmates. They smiled Ritsuko, they actually smiled, both of them, and at each other. You know the last time I saw either of them actually happy? If you do please remind me because I can't remember it. I keep expecting to find Shinji with the barrel of a gun in his mouth and half expect Asuka to be the one putting it there and they laughed together last night."

"I know things are stressful on the children, that's why we try to let them have as normal a life as we can but they have responsibilities."

"They're human-fucking-beings Ritsuko. They're not machines and if we keep treating them like they're machines they're gonna snap and then what are we going to do?"

"You're giving them drugs."

"Last time I checked you do that for seriously messed up people."

"A doctor does."

"Yeah well their doctor doesn't give a shit about anything but if they can drive those monsters out there so someone has to step up."

Ritsuko's mouth moved as if she tried to think of a retort but nothing came. She turned to her computer and pulled up a record. "The THC results won't show up in their official records, but if this starts to impact their ability to pilot it has to end."

Misato nodded, "Understood."

School was out and Shinji walked along behind Asuka for home. Three meters back, one to the side, a year of living with the fiesty redhead hand confirmed that this was the rough zone she was content for him to walk in. Close enough to not be yelled at for being slow, far enough away to not be crowding her, and to the side so his eyes weren't going to unintentionally wind up on her ass. Of course that meant if she looked back and caught him he was doing it on purpose, and he'd face her full wrath. He'd gotten pretty good at detecting the little cues that she was about "check six" as it were. He was a teenage boy after all, and Asuka's behind was absolutely spectacular.

Home, as it were, was Misato's slovenly apartment. Why there wasn't a bus that ran from their school to their home he didn't know. Most of his schoolmates lived out in surrounding hills of Tokyo-3 and caught buses to and from class. He and Asuka, and Rei as well he supposed, were the only ones consigned to walking home, three miles, in the middle of summer. His school shirt was already sticking to his chest.

"Why are you walking back there?" Asuka asked in her usual accusatory/judgemental tone.

"Umm, I dunno," was the best reply he could conjure up. 'Because you've made me for the last year,' was not a reply that would improve anything.

"Well walk up here, beside me. Like a normal person."

When she used her imperial tone she expected to be obeyed, not discuss it. "A...alright," he replied as he picked up the pace and fell in beside her. They walked quietly for half a mile, getting near to the apartment block that was empty save for them. "So… what are you going to do tonight?"

Asuka shrugged her slender shoulders. "I dunno, just hang out I guess."

"What about the biology test next week, aren't you going to study for it?"

Asuka snorted and flipped her hair, "I'm a genius, I've already graduated college, twice. I don't even know why they make me go to school."

"Oh, right." Shinji replied. It had been a stupid question and yet her trademark nickname for him hadn't left her lips.

"If you're worried about it though, I guess I can help you study."

"Umm, that would be nice," Shinji managed to choke out.

"Of course it would be," his redheaded companion agreed. "I wonder if Misato has any brownies left over. That batch yesterday was a treat, even if she did make it from a box."

"I'm amazed she didn't burn them like everything else. They had kind of a funny aftertaste though."

"It's Misato, they were edible and tasted like they were supposed to, mostly. I'd say that's pretty good for the lush."

Shinji tossed his bookbag onto his bed and started to change out of his school uniform into a t-shirt and shorts. His biology test wasn't for a week but he'd learned a while ago that given his other responsibilities it was just smarter to study sooner than to assume there would be any chance to do it later. Angel's were incredibly inconsiderate when it came to their timing. Asuka offering to help him study was a first though. 'Figure it out for yourself,' had been her dismissive reply the last time he'd asked if they could study together. Now she was actually volunteering to help. He had no idea what to make of it. Last night had been fun, just playing cards and talking. Was that it? Well it had been almost twenty four hours since she'd called him an idiot so something was different.

Asuka busied herself in the kitchen, getting down two glasses and filling them with milk before hunting down the pan Misato had baked the brownies in. She found the pan in a corner of the counter covered in foil and to her surprise the only parts missing were the two brownies she and Shinji had the night before. She had expected Misato to wolf them all down but she must have just gotten wasted and fell asleep before she could. So Asuka grabbed some paper towels and folded them up before putting an extra large piece of brownie on each one and carrying them to the coffee table in the living room along with the milk. Shinji hadn't poked his head out of his room yet. Did he realize how lucky he was to get a chance to be tutored by her? She started to fume but out of the corner of her eye she spotted the brownies. Chocolatey, delicious, warm… wait, not warm. That was easily remedied. She grabbed her milk and a moment later her brownie was in the microwave, warming it up enough to be… perfect. She moaned as she bit into the sweet treat. Misato had predictably made them a little underdone and twenty seconds in the microwave had turned it into a warm slightly gooey mess. She was just going to have one bite but soon she was drinking her milk and her brownie was no where to be seen. Shinji was right, there was a bit of an aftertaste but the milk took care of it. Since her annoying roommate had yet to leave his room she figured one more brownie wouldn't kill her and she cut another out of the pan, microwaving it quickly and grabbing more milk before slipping back to the coffee table as Shinji emerged from his room with his books under his arm. "About time," she muttered loud enough for him to hear it clearly.

"Sorry," Shinji said quickly. "I uh usually study alone. I didn't know what to bring."

"Your room is right down the hall, dweeb. If you forgot something you could just go back and get it."

Shinji sat his books down and rubbed the back of his head. "Yeah I guess you're right."

Asuka rolled her eyes as Shinji cracked open his textbooks.

"So where did you even get it from?"

"Why, so you can narc'em out?"

"Do you think I'm that petty Misato?" Misato looked at her friend over the bowl of noodles she'd gotten at the cafe. She didn't say anything, just slurped up the stray noodle hanging from her mouth. "Oh fuck you Katsuragi."

"I thought you said that was just college experimentation? But sure, I'm up for another go around if you are," Misato said with a smirk.

Ritsuko replied by tilting her sunglasses down and raising one long finger in the air at the purple haired commander.

Misato had a good laugh and another mouthful of noodles before looking back at Ritsuko. "Fine, you know Kaji's watermelon farm?"

"Yeah, what about it?" 

"He doesn't just grow watermelons."

"Kaji, seriously?"

"How else do you think he works at NERV and stays that mellow?"

"I figured you were keeping him well drained," Ritsuko shot back.

"Ew, no. That's over," she said as she had a whole body shiver. "Well over."

"But you still buy weed off him."

"No, I get it from him. I told him what it was for and he just gave me some."

"How much?"

"Enough to get charged with distribution," Misato said.

"Wow." 

"Well he lived with Asuka, he knows what she's like. Probably figured I'd have to make her smoke two bowls just to get her ass to unclench enough to stop making diamonds."

"I hope you're not thinking of…"

Misato waved her hand and cut off that line of questioning. "No, just brownies. Wouldn't want to go messing up their dainty little lungs."

"I still think this is a bad idea," Ritsuko said as she pulled out a cigarette and lit it. The maitre'd had sat them off at the far end of the open air cafe so that Ritsuko could light up without bothering the other customers.

"Hypocrite," Misato muttered as she began to drink the broth from her bowl.

"I don't have to drive an Eva," she retorted.

"Yeah well in a sea of terrible options this is the best bad idea I've got."

"And you're supposed to be the tactical genius."

"Well I was just going to get them drunk but Kaji said Asuka can be a mean one so I figured that was out. It's already all she can do not to kill Shinji."

Ritsuko took a long drag from her cigarette. "Are you serious? Giving depressants to someone as morose as Shinji? Why don't you just toss him off the balcony and be done with it?"

"Because I'm not that stupid, for the love of god Ritsuko can you trust me just a little bit? And seriously, when did you get your sense of humor lobotomized?" Misato pushed her bowl aside and took a sip of her tea. "Level with me, what's the big deal? They get a little toasted from time to time, relax, realize they can be friends and just chill. It's pot, not meth. The only danger they're in is putting on ten pounds from snacking and seriously, both those kids could use to put on a few pounds. They're stick figures."

"You're right, the milk helps," Shinji said as he finished off the glass and sat it down. "I wonder what she put in there to give it that taste?" Three messed up napkins sat in front of him to Asuka's four.

"Better we just don't know," Asuka said as leaned back against the couch casually twirling a pencil between her fingers. "I don't really want to induce vomiting right now. Besides, hit it with milk and you would never know. And I like milk with brownies, a lot. I mean a whole lot. They're like, perfect together, you know?"

"Yeah, you're right," Shinji agreed as he dumped his last textbook on the growing pile on the floor beside the coffee table.

Asuka kept twirling the pencil as she glanced at Shinji, "Ready for the test?"

"Yeah, I don't know why I was worried. It's just biology, and what are they gonna do if I don't pass, not let me pilot Unit 1?"

Asuka laughed lightly, "Exactly, if you told them all to fuck off and just stopped going what do you think they'd do?"

Shinji snickered, "Misato would be very cross."

Asuka snorted, "Yeah right, she'd probably congratulate you for figuring out it doesn't matter."

It was Shinji's turn to lay his head back against the couch and stare up at the ceiling, "I guess it doesn't does it? I mean, this whole thing with the Angels, even if we survive…"

"We will," Asuka said confidently.

"...yeah well, how long will this drag on you know? Are we going to be thirty and still fighting? How will we even know it's over? Sometimes it can be months between attacks. Are we ever going to get a normal life?"

There was a rustling as Asuka climbed on the couch on all fours and crawled over to put her head above Shinji's, blocking his view of the ceiling, "You're really starting to be a downer first child. How about we play cards?"

"Sure," he replied.

Asuka climbed off the couch over him and fetched the deck of cards they'd left on the table the night before. She crawled around to sit on the opposite side from him and started to shuffle. "You know, this is a lot more interesting when you've got money."

"I don't have any," Shinji said as he cleared off the coffee table. "I don't have a job."

Asuka snorted, "Yeah we do, but we don't get paid. Like at all. We should you know. We drive those big… things… robots, we should get paid."

"Combat pay," Shinji chimed in. 

"Totally," Asuka agreed.

Asuka shuffled the cards and started to deal. "Well, there is still something we could bet. They never let me play it in college but there is an option."

Misato groaned as the key scraped over the face of the lock once again, missing the slot the way it had the last five times. On the plus side the ground had stopped rolling back and forth but it hadn't calmed down until she'd puked over the railing into the parking lot below. She backed up and tried again, grinning triumphantly as it finally slid home and with a quick twist the deadbolt unlatched and she was in.

Misato slammed the door shut and locked it before staggering down the hallway. She could see the lights on in the family room and heard Asuka and Shinji talking and laughing. Even in her inebriated state she still grinned in victory. 'Take that Ritsuko!' she said to herself. Served the lightweight right, she'd passed out at the bar after only half a dozen shots.

"Hey you two, how are you guys getting HOLY FUCKING SHIT!" Misato screeched as she bounced back from the living room and the two naked Eva pilots sitting around the coffee table. Well not entirely naked, Asuka still had on her panties. The brownie pan was sitting on the table, almost empty, as was their jug of milk. Both pilots looked at her not quite comprehending what was her problem. Misato sighed, "Strip poker huh?"

"We don't have any money," Shinji replied.

Misato sighed and shrugged off her jacket. "Pass me a brownie and deal me in."

Author's Notes

Feedback:

1) This is based off the original Eva anime. Who knows, I might learn enough about Mari because why wouldn't Shinji want another cute toasted girl hanging around him?

2) No, I really don't have any experience with weed first hand, just stoner roommates in college.


End file.
